First of all, I’m so sorry for not writing in the past, what is it, 8 months? A lot has happened and even though I’m doing well I didn’t feel like writing yet.
Last time I said I was going to see the doctor for my anxiety. Trying to figure out what’s wrong, if there’s anything wrong with my body or if it’s all in my head.
Long story short.
I got admitted to a psychiatric ward the 21st of December last year. The main goal was to get rid of my anxiety so we could check if my symptoms had to do with that, or if something else was wrong.
The first thing they did though was check my blood for every possible thing that could be wrong. In the morning. Without being able to eat. I was so nervous and afraid that I was going to pass out that everything else seemed like no big deal after that.
It was weird the first couple of days but in the end, I really didn’t want to go back home anymore. I felt great, I loved everyone there, I had people to talk to and I met a lot of amazing people.
I got help going outside, had a lot of exposure therapy and it helped a lot. I was already taking Citalopram 20mg for a couple of months and I’m still using it. I feel like it made it a little bit easier to get through everything so I’m very happy with that.
Also, I’m living on my own at the moment in a lovely appartment in a new city. Still have a boyfriend and traveling back and forth all the time (who would’ve thought), but I needed a full reset. I needed to not go back to the situation I was in for the past few years.
I’m still getting help and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and if I can do what I want. I’d love to work with animals, one way or another, but I’m too old to go to a regular school. I guess it makes sense, I’m 28, the rest would be like 16, but it’s frustrating.
My goal now is to see how much I can handle. If I will be able to work fulltime or not, and if I can get a diploma one way or another.
Also, I just figured out the results of my blood tests (yeah, they didn’t bother sharing them since nothing was ‘wrong’).
I wonder if any of you have any experience with this. I feel like my TSH is too high. It’s 4,1 mU/L. I read that anything between 0,5 and 4,0 is normal but most of the time it’s around 2,5 mU/L. The hospital said anything up to 4,3 mU/L is normal. I was always very skinny, couldn’t gain weight, now it’s the other way around. I’m not losing weight, still gaining even though I’ve done much more than I’ve done in the past 10 years. I also have muscle cramps and I’m still tired a lot. My mom has the same problem and tells me it’s not normal at all and even when the results are ‘ok’ you can still have symptoms. My
psychiatrist told me there was nothing wrong and it was just a little high that moment, but I FEEL that something is not right. I know my body and I know that a lot had to do with anxiety, but still, nothing has changed when it comes to these symptoms. I also read depression and anxiety can be a symptom so I’m kinda mad they didn’t even bother telling me.
I will go to my doctor anyway since my feet are killing me as well now I’m walking a lot. I can hardly walk when I just got out of bed in the morning, and it doesn’t get any better.
If anyone wants to know more, just let me know. 🙂
It’s been a long time since I wrote anything. I always want to write more but I never get to it for some reason.
To give an update about May. She contacted me a couple of weeks ago, a very short message, but it said she was ok even though she was still in the hospital. I have no clue what’s going on other than that but I thought I’d share it with you since it’s still our blog and some of you might want to know.
The last time I updated was when I told everyone about my birthday presents and I decided to write more often but then everything changed.
I found out my uncle has bladder cancer and it’s not looking good. I’m nervous and I get really bad anxiety. On top of that I had a talk with my parents about my situation.
I am living together but I need help and I’m not getting it from the person I’m living with. We have no car, he gets mad if I need help because he works all week and wants to do nothing on his only day off. We can’t do anything together because we have no car, so I can’t say ‘Hey I feel ok right now can we go to some stores right now?’. I could take the bus or whatever but that’s where my problem starts.
I know I’m a little late with this post but I didn’t get everything on my birthday and I wanted to show everything in one post.
I got Faber Castell Polychromos and Secret Garden postcards from my boyfriend. It was a bit expensive so I used the money I got from grandma as well. I love the pencils, they are amazing! The postcards as well. I love them so much that I bought the Enchanted Forest postcards as well. The last pictured is from the Enchanted Forest collection.
Today, 28 years ago, at 9:26 in de morning, I was born. 🙂
I don’t have a lot to say yet. My mom is coming tonight, my dad tomorrow. I bought a lemon cheesecake, even though I wanted to bake a cake myself first. Who am I kidding? I have enough to do and I don’t want to stress, so I bought cake. It looks amazing. I am just not sure if I’ll like it so I bought a wedge of chocolate/brownie cake with red fruit for myself and an apple crumble one for my boyfriend. I know he loves it, so why not, it’s my birthday after all. 😉
I know what I am getting, I think. 😛 My dad’s gift hasn’t arrived at his house yet though so he asked if I wanted something else because he didn’t want to come empty handed. Two days ago my Leifheit Pico Spray Mop broke and although I ordered a new one right away something went wrong and they kept putting off the delivery so I canceled my order. I am getting a simple mop today but I realllly wanted a new pico spray, so now my dad got it for me as an extra birthday gift, yay! Lol, who would’ve thought getting a new mop for my birthday could make me happy.
So tomorrow I have two, I think I will just use one for the bathroom. I could’ve cancelled my order but I really want to clean the house before my mom and dad come to visit.
Oh well, it was just bad timing anyway, why break right before my birthday?! And why did something have to do wrong with my order that should’ve been delivered the day after I ordered? I guess it was meant to be or something, lol.
I have been knitting a lot these past few weeks and I finished a few shawls I was working on. One of them is the shawl I was knitting with the yarn I dyed recently.
My dad always asks me why I am knitting so many shawls, if I don’t have enough.. Well yeah I have enough, to be honest, I don’t really wear them. I just love making them. I try to make them for my mom since she always wears them and I just like to give something handmade. 🙂
Maybe at some point I could sell them right? I can try and knit blankets or socks or a sweater but I get bored easily and I like working with beads and complicated patterns most of the time + figuring out my gauge is something I hate doing. 😉
Last week, on the 4th of September, my dad got married.
For most people this would be a fun day, for me, it was a little more complicated.
Don’t get me wrong, looking back on that day it was fun, and I loved being a part of it, but that day and even the days before weren’t that great.
I had a lot of fun thinking about what I was going to wear and figuring out what to give them, but about a week before the wedding I got really anxious.
What if I don’t feel good? I am the witness, I HAVE to be there! What if I don’t feel good enough to be there all day? What if my family will judge me since I only see them at funerals these days and they have no idea what’s going on in my life?
Today I’m going to show you how to dye your own yarn. There are a lot of different ways, and I will make more in the future, but today I will show you how to dye yarn to get that pretty ombre effect in your knitting.
This is what you need:
– White vinegar
– Dye (acid dye, Wilton Food Coloring (WFC from now on), you can use whatever you want)
– Yarn (make sure it’s a natural fiber, or at least for 80%, like alpaca, wool. Trying to dye acrylic yarn this way won’t work)
– A pot with water
– Plastic cups (to mix the dye before adding it to the pot)
– A spoon (with acid dye try to use things you won’t use to make/eat dinner with, just in case)
– Something to lift the yarn out of the hot water, it can be a spoon or BBQ tongs
– A towel
For ombre yarn I use sock blanks, you can knit them yourself first, but it will take a lot of time if you don’t have a knitting machine to do it for you.
There are a lot of ways people dye ombre yarn but it’s not very easy and it’s a lot of work. I feel that this is the best way to do it.
I use these:
I know it’s been quiet but I guess that’s what can happen when you’re ill and you have a blog. Especially since May is back in the hospital now. I’m not sure how/what is going on, I just know she’s not doing well.
I am not doing great either. I have TMJ problems because no matter how fun colouring is, I tend to clench my jaw when I am concentrating.. soo in the end I feel worse and not relaxed at all. 😛
I did finish another one though, now I’m taking a break, to make sure my jaw pain is gone completely because it’s exhausting.
I was at my moms like I told you, for her birthday and since my stepmom’s birthday was 4 days later I visited her as well. I also when to thrift stores to try and find some clothes for the wedding and some jeans because I don’t fit in mine anymore. I failed though and had to go to a normal store for jeans. I bought 2 jeans, exactly the same but it was a 2 for €40,- sale and I figured I could dye one of them. I haven’t yet though, I first need to decide what colour I want to use. 🙂
I wish I could’ve chosen another pair but all of them where skinny jeans, and I don’t know if it’s me, but no matter what, I can’t get them past my knees. I have to get 3 sizes bigger than my actual size and ofcourse then the upper part of the jeans won’t fit. I’m so glad that skinny jeans hype is gone now and the big hippie pants are fashionable now, lol!
When I was young I was always painting and colouring and I missed that.
You can imagine I was very happy to find out that they made colouring books for adults!
Although it took me a while to get one, they aren’t very cheap, I am glad I finally did buy one.
I’m sure a lot of people with a chronic illness have experienced this; people trying to play your doctor.
I’m sure they mean well but it’s frustrating. Not just for you, having to explain that you tried all of that and/or that’s not the reason or it doesn’t work, but it can result in them thinking you are just making up excuses.
For me being a vegetarian for 8 years is obviously the reason I’m so tired and can’t work, right?
They tell me that I probably don’t eat enough protein and I have anemia. Did I check that? It MUST be the reason.
- I was ill before I became a vegetarian.
- My blood is just fine, thank you.
So, ‘doctor’, anything else?