Weddings, anxiety and chronic illness

Last week, on the 4th of September, my dad got married.

For most people this would be a fun day, for me, it was a little more complicated.

Don’t get me wrong, looking back on that day it was fun, and I loved being a part of it, but that day and even the days before weren’t that great.

I had a lot of fun thinking about what I was going to wear and figuring out what to give them, but about a week before the wedding I got really anxious.

What if I don’t feel good? I am the witness, I HAVE to be there! What if I don’t feel good enough to be there all day? What if my family will judge me since I only see them at funerals these days and they have no idea what’s going on in my life?

I decided to go to my mom the day before the wedding because driving for 1 hour early in the morning would be way too much for me. It helped a little but I went to bed at 2:30 in the morning, I was so nervous. Probably not the best idea but I couldn’t sleep anyway. I felt ok the next morning but I was nauseous, which happens every time I am nervous and I couldn’t eat as much as I normally would. I don’t know if anyone has the same problem but when I can’t eat I feel even more nervous because I am afraid I will pass out later because I didn’t eat anything. I hate this feeling, haha.

Luckily my dad wanted me to come to their house before the ceremony. They wanted pictured of everyone together (kids and parents only).

My boyfriend rented a car and picked me up at my mom’s and we went to my dad’s place together. It was nice. They even had something to eat so I was able to eat a little bit more and it felt good. I was too busy to think about the way I felt and what was going to happen so in the end I felt pretty good. 🙂

About 1 hour later we went to the location where the ceremony would be held. It was a very nice location and I wasn’t nervous yet, yay! I was very tired though, standing for 1 hour and getting up early was too much already. I was happy that I decided to sleep at my mom’s that night because that 1 hour drive on top of everything would’ve been way too much.

The ceremony was very nice, although I almost got a panic attack while sitting there. The chairs were very bad and slippery and every time I moved it felt like I was falling off which wasn’t helping.

About 30 minutes later we had cake and some snacks, nothing vegetarian, sadly, but the cake was more than enough anyway, haha.

Normally there would be dinner and dancing at the same location, or at least not too far from the ceremony. My dad and stepmom decided to travel 1,5 hour for dinner and a show later that night. Sadly I had to cancel because I can’t travel 1,5 hour without feeling exhausted normally, let alone on a day like that after I’ve been active for 6 hours already. I would’ve loved to be there but they made the choice to celebrate like that, and it’s up to me to make the right choice for me.

I was exhausted, when we were almost home because we ended up in a traffic jam. Instead of a 50 minute drive it took almost 1,5 hour to get home. If we would’ve gone to dinner it would’ve taken another hour, so I am happy we didn’t. We went to McDonalds, I had a salad, fries, nothing special, and I was too exhausted to sleep that night. The next morning I ended up with a terrible migraine which lasted 3 days even though I took my meds, it never get rids of it completely. Right now I am finally feeling a bit better, a week later. It could’ve been worse. 😉

My dad called me 2 days later to tell me it was pretty chaotic, people got lost on the way and the weather was  very bad. They didn’t even have time for dessert anymore if they wanted to be in time for the show (they went to see the musical Soldier of Orange).

He also thanked me for the nice card and the candle I gave them as a present. I got them a large jar of Yankee Candle’s Wedding Day. I love how it smells, I want it for myself as well, haha.

In the end it wasn’t too bad. Ok, I didn’t feel great and I was very nervous, but no one noticed and that’s good. 🙂 I couldn’t be there the whole day but I was there for the most important part and it was nice.

I do know one thing though: If I’ll ever get married, I will elope. 😛

How do you deal with days like these? Do they make you anxious?

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