Changes.

It’s been a long time since I wrote anything. I always want to write more but I never get to it for some reason.
To give an update about May. She contacted me a couple of weeks ago, a very short message, but it said she was ok even though she was still in the hospital. I have no clue what’s going on other than that but I thought I’d share it with you since it’s still our blog and some of you might want to know.

The last time I updated was when I told everyone about my birthday presents and I decided to write more often but then everything changed.
I found out my uncle has bladder cancer and it’s not looking good. I’m nervous and I get really bad anxiety. On top of that I had a talk with my parents about my situation.
I am living together but I need help and I’m not getting it from the person I’m living with. We have no car, he gets mad if I need help because he works all week and wants to do nothing on his only day off. We can’t do anything together because we have no car, so I can’t say ‘Hey I feel ok right now can we go to some stores right now?’. I could take the bus or whatever but that’s where my problem starts.

On top of my body not working the way it should, I have agoraphobia. I know I’ve had issues with new things since I was little. I remember crying and screaming when my school had a trip and I was only 4 years old. I didn’t have to go, and maybe that’s why I still have issues, I never had to if I didn’t want to.
There was a time right before I got ill where I was doing fine. I didn’t mind going to new places or taking the train to a new city and I didn’t get why certain people would avoid places after they had a bad experience there. Like, come on, it’s so unlikely to happen again.
Now I am one of those people and the thing is; I don’t know what’s in my head and what symptoms are ‘real’. Maybe I could do a lot more and is 90% of what I feel anxiety. I know when I need to do something and I am past that first bump and I finally feel relaxed I can do a lot. I don’t mind standing in line or going to crowded stores anymore. I feel tired, and I get a migraine at the end of the day, but I can imagine if I had no anxiety issues I might even be able to work part time.

I want to see what is possible. I’ve had therapy before but only for 1 hour a week, and to be honest, it didn’t do shit. I might have to go away for a couple of months, daily therapy after figuring out what’s the real issue. I know I can’t do it alone and just sitting here doesn’t help either. I’m wasting my life and I want to be able to take care of myself.
It’s hard to think I might have to decide not to come back here, I don’t know if I want to but I can imagine that will happen once I’ve made progress and I feel like this relationship is holding me back. It’s scary but I have to do something. I’m 28 and haven’t done anything useful for the past 11 years and it’s insane.
The reason I brought up my uncle is because my mom got worried about me even more when she got the bad news. She wants to know I will be alright, and I get it.

I don’t know how they are going to help me since it’s not just anxiety but physical as well which makes it harder to focus and I know if I have a good day I don’t have a lot of anxiety but on a bad day I won’t get out of the house at all. I just know it depends on how I feel and this is why I didn’t have a lot of problems before I got ill since I felt great otherwise and even when I got nervous and couldn’t eat, I would feel fine. Now, when I get nervous and I can’t eat, I get more nervous because I know it will make me weak and give me bloogsugar issues and once that happened I get a panic attack because both the anxiety and the low bloodsugar make me feel like I’m about to faint. It’s this vicious circle and I don’t know how to stop it.

I can feel great about all those things I just talked about during the day, but when I fall asleep I dream a lot and I wake up feeling achy and tired and weak, which might have something to do with anxiety as well but I can’t stop it while I am sleeping so I end up feeling bad when I wake up and that’s where I don’t know if it’s something else than anxiety. I know sleeping makes me feel worse.
Last night I felt great, I would’ve gone to the store and wait in the longest line if it was possible, but then I woke up this morning and I feel so much worse. This is a problem I have as well, I feel great late in the evening. Why? I can’t do anything at that time! And why do I feel so much worse when I wake up the next day?

It will be hard, but I can’t figure out what to do about the physical stuff when I am too afraid to go to the hospital. So the anxiety has to go first.

I know my boyfriend didn’t want me to go away to work on my anxiety a couple of years ago. He thought it was the easy way out, it was weak and I had to do it on my own.
It kinda makes me mad now. Why wouldn’t he just help and why is it easy? What’s easy about not being at home and having therapy every day, not sleeping in your own bed for weeks?

I will update as soon as I know more. I will go to the GP next week and we will need to have a talk with my boyfriend, I asked my mom and stepdad to be there, maybe they can talk some sense into him.
I just know things have to change, and if I really can’t do a lot, then that’s fine, but at least I know it’s not my anxiety.

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